I never thought I would be one of those moms who bedshare, but when I took an honest look at the research, I couldn’t deny that bedsharing would be the best for my family.
And I’d bet good money that if more moms got quiet for a few minutes, listened to their guts + stayed open-minded while reading other people’s true experiences — not the unsafe, skewed, alarmist ones hyped up by the media — they’d find that bedsharing could be the answer to a lot of their parenting challenges, too.
I’m sharing many of my reasons for bedsharing in this post.
Co-Sleeping vs. Bedsharing
Please note that “bedsharing” is sharing a sleeping surface with your child, whereas “co-sleeping” is sharing a sleeping room with your child.
It’s Biologically Normal for Young Children to Wake at Night
You can trust me on this, but if you want backup:
So, since it’s biologically normal for a child to wake at night, I want to setup an environment that promotes biologically normal development.
It’s Biologically Normal to Want to Bedshare
Both co-sleeping + bedsharing are criticized in Western society, where children are expected to be independent as early as possible.
There’s an idea perpetuated that co-sleeping + bedsharing limit a child’s early independence by creating a clingy + weird parental relationship. And that is simply not true.
I have found no evidence-based, unbiased research that proves co-sleeping or bedsharing to have damaging effects on a child.
Why? Because independence is a developmental milestone.
By nature, children are hardwired to be dependent on their parents until their brains have matured along with their bodies to demonstrate the sophisticated behaviors needed to survive on their own.
The very word “independent” implies that one first needs to have been “dependent” in order to become less so.
Sarah Ockwell-Smith, The Gentle Sleep Book
Parents are naturally in-tune to their child’s independence level. So, when you’re wondering about bedsharing, you’re actually not weird at all.
Let me repeat: You’re not weird for wanting to bedshare.
Your child is reminding you that they’re not biologically mature enough to handle being away from you + your mother’s intuition is kicking you in the gut telling you, “I should probably acknowledge this.”
The idea that more people aren’t bedsharing is actually what’s weird to me.
How many parents are going against what their brains + bodies are inclining them to do just because modern advertising suggests that all kids need their own beds?
Can we just pull over for a minute and address that?
From a business perspective, family product companies want families pursuing independence ASAP.
Why? Because independence means everyone gets their own.
Take the mattress company: of course they want each family member to have their own bed. Fitting 3 people into 1 bed only sells 1 bed. You can easily triple your profits if you promote individual beds.
You maximize profits even more when you insist on a crib mattress + crib set, then a toddler mattress + bed set, then a “big kid” mattress + bed set…
It’s not bad business. It’s just simple business math.
We get more high-quality sleep.
I say “we” as in all members of our family. Even the dogs.
When you practice safe bedsharing guidelines, a nursing mom sleeps in the middle. Her position allows her to snuggle with both her partner + her baby.
I’m able to nurse baby to sleep in our bedroom, then go back out to the family room to have some adult time with my husband for a few hours before we turn-in later.
When I’m ready to sleep, I crawl into the middle of the bed + he goes to the free side. We can snuggle + spoon without panic because we follow the safe bedsharing practices.
Snuggling with my husband helps both of us sleep deeper. The touch is like a security blanket for both of us + helps us feel connected. It was this way before baby + it has stayed this way after baby.
Having my baby next to me (or curled into our nursing position) stops me from additional night wakings from startling wondering if she’s okay. I can just listen for her breathing, reach over to touch her + even smell her. More on that in a minute!
The hormones produced during breastfeeding make moms sleepy. So I’m naturally lulled into a more restful state by being able to feed easier during the night.
We still have a great sex life.
Bedsharing means that you likely need to take your sex life to a different part of the room, or another room altogether, so that you’re not rocking the bed. So, change it up!
There’s no rule that sex has to occur in your bed in your bedroom only.
Have sex in the shower, in the guest room, on the couch, on the floor, on the kitchen counters, outside in the pool… Just because you’re parents doesn’t mean you have to have “parent sex”. So, don’t!
For the times that you are missing intimacy in your bedroom, you have a few options. Our favorite is to walk the baby to sleep in the stroller, wheel the stroller inside the house + then go enjoy our bedroom as adults before transferring baby from stroller to bed for the night.
We keep kid toys out of our bedroom as a general rule because I’m easily distracted by a mess + we want to capitalize on the opportunity when it presents itself!
I’m an Organic Mommy CEO.
I made a commitment early-on in my motherhood — to myself + my future baby — that I would be an authentic mother.
By authentic, I mean original, natural, organic, true-to-me — by my standards + not someone else’s.
My mom was a well-meaning mother + still is, but if I looked at her as just another adult suggesting me to follow her unsolicited advice, I would be questioning her suggestions right along with the rest of them.
Just because people who are close to you may have an experience before you do, doesn’t mean that their suggestions will fit with your innate choices.
You can read more about the Organic Mommy CEO story here.
Breastfeeding is easier for everyone.
Nursing is infinitely easier when baby is right next to me — for a few reasons:
1 — Less physical demand on my body.
I don’t have to get up + down from bed — or switch rooms — every time baby fusses for a feeding (and during big growth spurts, it’s completely normal for baby to clusterfeed nonstop!). For a recovering mom postpartum, this is even more of a monumental difference in physical activity.
2 — Our scents increase oxytocin for both of us.
Oxytocin is the feel-good hormone that encourages my milk production + bonds me + baby emotionally.
3 — Baby benefits from frequent feeding.
Breastmilk is made “low calorie” to help baby’s undeveloped gut adjust over time, which is why baby needs frequent nighttime feedings.
When you distance mom + baby, you could decrease the beneficial feeds that help establish wellness long-term. The majority of your health is dependent upon your gut health.
4 — Practice makes perfect.
The frequent feedings are practice. The more successful latches + feedings, the more efficient your nursing sessions will become. I have saved so much time by not having to worry about bottle prep.
I couldn’t logically ask my baby to do something I couldn’t do as an adult.
Logically, how would any adult be able to sleep if you shut their white noise machine off, changed the scent in the room, turned on some lights, changed the temperature on the thermostat + pulled off the blanket?
I know I would be WOKE before someone even finished reading that sentence.
Babies are used to hearing the woosh of their mothers pulse in utero, but beyond that, they’re used to their specific sensory environment. This includes smelling the amniotic fluid, which has a similar scent to breastmilk.
To me, bedsharing is the logical transitional environment for a baby leaving the womb world and entering this new-to-them world.
Another analogy: Let’s say you are originally from the United States + your boss decides you’re ready for a job promotion. Within a matter of hours, he expects you to exit the only country you’ve ever known, take a 10+ hour exhausting departure trip + relocate to living in Japan independently.
You would say that’s a beyond ridiculous expectation for an adult. You would likely be pissed off, so confused + feeling so alone. Now ask that same scenario of an immature child brain to process.
I couldn’t ask my baby to relocate to Japan.
I learn from successful people ahead of me.
Speaking of Japan… In Japan, where co-sleeping and breastfeeding (in the absence of maternal smoking) is the cultural norm, rates of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) are the lowest in the world.
In general, the highest rates of bedsharing worldwide occur alongside the lowest rates of infant mortality.
There’s something to be said about that!
If you want to be a millionaire, you wouldn’t ask someone who is in debt for financial advice.
If you want to have the lowest chance of infant death for your child, you would do what the countries with the lowest rates of infant death would do.
I’m a proud American, but I’m embarrassed at the American maternal + infant mortality statistics. I’m not doing what the majority of America says to do and I’m very much okay with that.
It makes my baby happy.
Babies don’t give a damn about what the social world says. Their brains seek mom’s smell, movements + touch for security + survival. In turn, bedsharing babies often cry less and have regulated breathing, body temperature, calorie absorption, stress hormone levels, immunity + more.
When I question whether I’m being a good mom, I ask myself “Is my baby healthy?” and “Is my baby happy?”
Bedsharing 100% without a doubt makes my baby happier. She isn’t a spoiled brat; she doesn’t know how to be yet. But I can see so many proven, obvious benefits to safe bedsharing in addition to the main highlight: that my daughter LOVES to be close to me.
And, let’s not discount this either — I LOVE to be close to her, too.
It won’t be like this for long.
I know that my daughter won’t always want to sleep next to me. This time is temporary.
When you’re in the thick of the newborn days, the hours feel like years. But then one day you’re having a conversation with your 2-year-old over breakfast and wondering how in the world you’ve ended up there so fast.
I asked myself: are the potential benefits worth pushing through for? And I can confidently answer YES.
If you’re feeling like a good cry, continue on to read the lyrics of “It Won’t Be Like This For Long” by Darius Rucker:
He didn’t have to wake up
He’d been up all night
Laying there in bed listening
To his newborn baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK
It won’t be like this for long
One day soon we’ll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It won’t be like this for long
Four years later bout four thirty
She’s crawling in their bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She’s clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now don’t you worry
This will only last a week or two
It won’t be like this for long
One day soon we’ll look back laughin’
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It won’t be like this for long
One day soon she’ll be a teenager
And at times you’ll think she hates him
Then he’ll walk her down the aisle
And raise her veil
But right now she up and crying
And the truth is that he don’t mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers
He lays down there beside her
Till her eyes are finally closed
And just watching her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knowsSongwriters: Charles Dubois / Ashley Gorley / Ashley Rucker
It won’t be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah this phase is gonna fly by
He’s trying to hold on
It won’t be like this for long
It won’t be like this for long
It Won’t Be Like This for Long lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group, Spirit Music Group, BMG Rights Management
What are your reasons for considering bedsharing?
Let’s have a positive discussion in the comments!
